Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize