Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
