So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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