the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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