Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize