Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
