Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
