clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
