i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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