I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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