I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
