the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
