I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
