oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
