i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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