Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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