Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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