Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
