did you get engaged???
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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