it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
