I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
