I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
