while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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