omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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