we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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