So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Is it because I queefed?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
