Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
being pregnant is like rehab
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
