I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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