If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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