The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
