i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
