imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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