im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
