All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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