Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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