i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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