mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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