Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
COCAINE IS GR8
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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