I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
