I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize