this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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