she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so let's talk penis.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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