I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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