everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
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