my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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