I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How does it feel to date your dad?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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