is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
