The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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