mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
