She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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