then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize