I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
